stand up starter

Hello
I was thinking about, like, what sort of stuff I could talk about
tonight and erm, y know, sometimes its best to suss an audience out –
but I’ve got to be honest – what I really want to sort of… er ah – NOW –
what I know I could say now – I mean, like, the WORD I might use at this
point is – (grimace) ‘UNPACK’. But I know if I use the word ‘unpack’ – y
know – seriously – that it wouldn’t then be possible for me to claim to
be doing comedy – of any description – I’d have to be doing ‘politics’
or ‘counselling’ – and straight… and what I do is COMEDY (pause for comic
effect). … I have to tell you – insome kind of spirit of truth to
materials or something – that I do work – quite strictly – to a script –
and I know that I have these little directions I write in and I remember
the first time I ever sat down to write ‘comedy’ I wrote the words, in
brackets “Pause For Comic Effect’.. (pause for comic effect..) and er,
well… yeah, you know what I’m saying….. but er ad lib blah

That’s not what I’m saying. What I was what I want WHAT I AM SAYING –
because I also want you to know that I am nothing if not a comedian with
a serious message…. Or a serious man with a comic message – and I wrote
‘pause for comic effect’ there as well – do you want to know how many
times I wrote ‘pause for comic effect’ in the first draft of this
script…. (pause…) . no. What I want to talk about in big Red – or
actually, probably pink letters – is HOMOSEXUALITY.

(pause)

ok - nothing controversial there - hardly Lenny Bruce is it...?

I got into trouble with the kids – as I often do  – the other day – for
what they informed me was a particularly glaring piece of non-pc  speak
when I made a comment about a friend of my sons – and he was being –
shall we say – a little over emotional or maybe histrionic – and I said
– in a sort ‘down with the kids way’ – something like er I dunno, “he’s
really Gay”. .. meaning it – o I don’t know – just meaning whatever they
mean when they say ; ‘tahts gay or youre gay or uuuggghhh so gay..” and
my daughter,  who’s 15 goes: “some of my best friends are gay – ALAN’S
GAY!!”. 

Now. I don’t know Alan. I’d never heard of Alan. It doesn’t really
matter.. what I want to talk to you about is either: a. How I squirmed
and wriggled my way out of the ‘gaygate’ enquiry – or b. How my
enlightened reflection on this seemingly minor contre temps led me to a
deeper understanding of my true feelings towards members of the er, male
community who, er, like bottoms and other bits of members of the rest of
the – aw fuck – male community… anyway – this was how I explained that,
in fact a gay hating middle aged lager drinking fart……
Ok so – this is me –

…no no no – all I am saying is I don’t like blokes being cissy – yeah – I don’t mind people being GAY at all – but I was using the GAY word the way I thought you lot were using it – meaning a bit crap – or cissy – but nothing against the bottom fanciers… I mean if a man is a manly man – or just, like a proper man – y know not a fusser,, not effeminate and all that – y know – then for me, he can fancy as many bottoms – I mean mens bottoms like – as he wants. I can respect him as A MAN – yeah?

NO.
So they were thinking things like you’re probably thinking now – like –
if this guy doesn’t get funny soon (pause for comic effect) he ‘s just
going to be homophobic and boring and shite. (pause)