INT. STARBUCKS
(black screen with 'GOD AND THE DEVIL MEET IN STARBUCKS MAY 21st IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORDS TWO THOUSAND AND TEN' - graphic)
sounds of coffee making and peoples chatter....
GOD
We have some important things to talk about, you and I.
DEVIL
Can I have a Latte?
GOD
You and I are not as important as we once were. I think we need to find out why.
DEVIL
Americano?
GOD
Look, I just need you to be omnipresent with me for a while - ok?
DEVIL
OK.
(sound of a cup being set down)
WAITER
Your Latte sir
DEVIL
Do you have to do everything as a reward for good behaviour? You're not my father y know...
GOD
Just blow the froth off that and come for a look round with me...
EXT. CEMETERY 'CLOSING TIME 4.30' SIGN - MORNING
GOD
Ok, here's a nice place to start... now, you have always worked on the assumption that death frightens people the most
DEVIL
No I haven't
GOD
Havent you?
DEVIL
No
GOD
Oh
DEVIL
You want to know what frightens people?
GOD
That might prove useful
DEVIL
dreams frighten people - have you seen that film 'paranormal activity'?
GOD
No
DEVIL
..scared the shit out of me
GOD
Your point is....?
DEVIL
oh, yeah, Ok.
EXT. FRESH DUG GRAVE IN CEMETERY - MORNING
Dreams, right - take this guy -
I've booked him in for a second tour - are you aware of the case?
GOD
No
DEVIL
Ok, read this
GOD
(reading aloud) A man who strangled his wife during a nightmare has walked free from court after the prosecution withdrew all charges against him. Both defence and prosecution had accepted at the start of the trial that Mr Jones was not in control of his actions at the time of the killing. The jury had been asked to decide not if he had killed his wife but whether he was medically insane at the time that he had done so. The defence claimed that Mr Jones was suffering the “non-insane” form of automatism and is asking for an acquittal, which would not require him to be detained.Yesterday they were directed to return a not-guilty verdict, allowing Mr Jones to leave court an innocent man.....
oh not this again. we,ve been round this a million times already... i'm not for making people responsible for their dreams
DEVIL
Ok, Ok Ok, so what did you want to talk to me about?
GOD
Well, like I said, it seems like we're just not important enough anymore....
DEVIL
Exactly. Listen, this guy has been dreaming as if he's already died. I want to use him as a witness... or even a kind of inside reporter..
GOD
That's hardly a new idea: Hebrews 12:1: "So, then, because we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also put off every weight and the sin that easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." i believe there are about six million Jehova's witnesses already doing that job.
DEVIL
eee - yes, well, you know how I feel about them... no, I was thinking of someone a bit more un-biased. An un-decided; someone impartial... this guy is GREAT.
GOD
A second coming?
DEVIL
Well, yes.
GOD
Someone impartial, un-decided?
DEVIL
Exactly
GOD
Well they'll be really bloody unique won't they! That's exactly why we're here - that accounts for nearly everyone.
Devil
you swore (you said BLOODY)
GOD
This is the modern world
DEVIL
and you were sarcastic.......
So, you're not against the idea?
GOD
No
DEVIL
in fact, you're willing?
GOD
Yes.
DEVIL
Excellent
GOD AND DEVIL AT THE SAME TIME:
There's one condition though
GOD
DONT DO THAT
(devil whines a little like a dog) - shot of dog spelt backwards?
(god continues uninterrupted) I will send one and you can send one
DEVIL
Whooppee
GOD
You can have your sleepwalker - not that we've actually decided he's yours - and I will send one other. The condition is this: Watching Brief only. i don't want anyone announcing themselves as the second coming - there's too many people at it already.
DEVIL (childlike)
Well, obviously - der.....
GOD
So, when did your guy cross over?
DEVIL
....... just then.
GOD
Suicide. i hate that.
DEVIL
Freewill....
GOD
mmmmmmmmm
DEVIL
(pause) so - who's your chosen one?
FEMALE VOICE
I remember Tomatoes on a wooden window-sill. I remember the gardens and the hedges of the neighbours for miles around the houses where I grew up. I remember the water-butt that was always brimful and the scrapings left out for the sparrows and tits and finches and my dad chasing away the starlings. He hated starlings. Starlings and Italians. I think, to him, they were one and the same thing.
I remember always telling the time in a circle with a 'past' and a 'to'... or as some of the older folks would have said, an 'after' and a before'..... I like remembering the look of things for what you can tell now that you never knew then: People's incomes and fortunes, tastes and, well, just - what they were like..... I like the way that watching helps you see the changes. What I remember well is how slowly things changed. I remember a worn yellow and brown axminster carpet that was always there. Once and once only, it was replaced by a different coloured axminster carpet downstairs and the patchwork of my parents upstairs floors was replaced by that old yellow and brown. I don't know when this happened but I remember a trip to Darley Dale on boxing day to choose the new carpet and knowing that this was a serious and enjoyable occasion and that the expense was very large indeed - a once in a lifetime experience, talked about for years in advance. The Boxing Day sales. More exciting, that year, than Christmas...
With the savings we made, we bought a 'Kilmarnock' willow tree which sat and barely grew but lived in the dead centre of the front garden for as long as my grandparents lived in the house. I know now that 'Kilmarnock' means nothing but just sounds nice. They breed in disease, which makes the foliage 'variegated' - or 'pretty' as we, I mean, Mum, would have said. It also kills the growth and limits the life of the plant. They call this 'planned obsolescence'. It's just one way that some people who are - cleverer - than other people, have discovered so as to 'maximise profits'. That tree never took up any more space in our garden than it did when first we planted it and, of course, over time, we couldn't help but re-visit the garden centre after that first trip to find new plants. After a few years and a lot of pursuasion, my grandfather built a rockery around the Kilmarnock Willow - to fill the space - which no doubt stunted it even more - so mum could go to Darley Dale to look at plants every Sunday in the Vanden Plas...
Our first car. Bought new for £350. Lasted 25 years. It was my job to polish the walnut dash. An Austin Vanden Plas Princess II - to give it it's proper title. Built in 1950 by the 'ang 'em 'n 'dutch'... Like 'all days and onions', this was one of the many mysterious phrases dad would drop in to his daily conversations. I never felt the need to ask what he meant, as I had never doubted his meaning since I had learned, from a toddlers age and viewpoint, to match the phrase to the look in his eyes when he spoke. In that way, you always knew his meaning...
In my opinion, you can learn to love a thing even more from cleaning it than you can by making it from new. Not that I know - not that I knew - much about engineering then. But I loved that car. I loved most things in me life. You never know how much until they are gone. Maybe that is why we resisted change so much.... Maybe resisting change is not such a bad thing as it's cracked up to be - nowadays.........
DEVIL
Ahhhh, she's NICE
GOD
mmmmm... maybe.
DEVIL
who is she?
GOD
Mrs Jones
DEVIL
What -
GOD
yep
DEVIL
No - hoo hoo... do they -?
GOD
Know? No
DEVIL
(roaring laughing) This'll make for some great scripture... god the father, god the son and... hoo ... god the homicidal sonambulent sex starved married couple.... much more realistic. I am impressed.
GOD
shut up.
pause in monologue for visual images TO BE CONFIRMED AND SUPPLIED BY MY VISUAL CREATIVE RESPONDENT (VCR)<<<<
I like being dead. All you do is remember. You don't want. I think I'd stopped wanting for myself while I was alive. but you find yourself wanting for other people then - and that can be frustrating as well...
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